Yes, the Millbrook Zucchini Festival is back again!!
Carving table open from 12:30 until 2,
closes at 2 p.m. sharp for the boat races!
Zucchinis in the News!
Zukosaurus threatening Millbrook!
Caution is advised for Millbrook residents after the recent shocking revelation of a possible dinosaur-zucchini hybrid creature roaming at large in the area. This alarming information came to light after a secret laboratory was discovered in the basement of a local home, where it is alleged that risky “experiments” have been taking place for years.
Evidence uncovered at the home of retired zucchini farmer Alistair Voidborn suggests that he has been working on a project to fuse the DNA of the normally harmless zucchini with that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex to create a terrifying hybrid “Zukosaurus”. Using sophisticated scientific equipment and an illegally obtained dinosaur tooth stolen from the Royal Ontario Museum, Voidborn has been devoted to this project since before the pandemic. Calling it “a bit of an obsession” he admits that this undertaking has had some success, although he will not say whether such a creature has been released into the wild. A brief glance over the fence into Alistair Voidborn’s yard reveals several disturbingly oversized “zucchini” plants, producing what look to be very large “zucchinis”, some of which appear to have teeth.
“I am but a simple zucchini farmer with a dream,” Mr. Voidborn says, in an interview from his jail cell. “Imagine how wonderful to see a field full of Zukosauruses! Right here in Millbrook!”
Local authorities are less enthusiastic. “The potential danger to the public from a free-ranging zucchini-dinosaur hybrid on the loose around our peaceful village should be of great concern to all of us,” according to one conservation officer. “And there is some reason to believe that a release of such a creature - or creatures - has already taken place.”
Although there has not yet been an officially documented sighting, suspicious dinosaur-like footprints have appeared on the island beside the Millbrook dam. One dog-walker, who wishes to remain anonymous, believes they saw something large and green in the woods along the Medd’s Mountain trail. “I mean, it could have been a tree…but I’m pretty sure I heard it roar. Scared the bejeezus out of my poor little dog Fluffy.”
Investigation continues, but in the meantime, residents are advised to remain vigilant while walking anywhere in the area. Should you happen to come across any suspicious zucchini-dinosaur related evidence please report it immediately to the Millbrook Zucchinifest Safety Committee, who have the necessary skills and training to deal with such a potentially dangerous situation. Zucchinis all by themselves pose little threat to the community, but one can only imagine how terrifying a carnivourous, predatory Zukosaurus might be. It is recommended to keep any pets and small children inside until this threat has passed.
Or until Zucchinifest on September 10. Whichever comes first.
Zucchinis in the News!
(from past festivals)
(from past festivals)
Millbrook Zucchini Festival celebrates the 50th anniversary of this historic event on September 8
The story of the Apollo 11 moon landing has, over the years, become almost mythical. The thrill of the blast-off. The nail-biting suspense of the lunar module’s descent to the moon’s surface. The sheer triumph of Neil Armstrong’s first immortal words: “One small step for man…” etc., etc. It’s all very warm and fuzzy.
In a candid deathbed interview, just hours before he passed away in 2012, Armstrong felt the need to set the record straight. “I didn’t say that at all,” he admitted. “But Mission Control had a secret. So they managed to distort my words in order to hide the shocking truth.”
“One small step for man,” Armstrong continued. “One giant zucchini for mankind. That’s what I actually said. This has been bothering me for all these years.”
In fact, when he stepped out of the landing module, Neil Armstrong’s boot landed right on top of one of the enormous lunar zucchinis causing him to nearly lose his balance. “Fortunately, the low gravity made it possible for me to catch myself and carry on as if everything were normal. But of course I was stunned. We were not prepared for this.”
These moon zucchinis were, of course, the result of the highly classified cooperative project by the Nicaraguan Astral Seed Association (NASA) and the South Polynesian Agricultural Cooperative Enterprise (SPACE). It was an effort intended to provide a healthy, nutritious food supply for interplanetary travellers. And it was a great success. And also, sadly, a tragic failure.
Although the zucchinis grew well, as they tend to do, the arrival of the Apollo 11 astronauts ruined everything. The United States was humiliated at having been beaten to the moon by such piddly space agencies as Nicaragua and Polynesia and made sure that the world never learned the truth.
In a recent interview, Luis Ernesto Garcia Hernandes de Cortés, director of the Zucchini Interplanetary Project (ZIP) was bitter. “We got there first. We planted the zucchinis. No one knows. No one cares.” Mission Dietary Director, Huhulu Ka’uane, was more realistic. “Nobody really eats zucchini anyway. We should have grown tomatoes.”
On September 8, 2019, we will once again gather on the shores of Baxter Creek (beside Ye Olde Millbrook Arena) to celebrate the noble zucchini and proudly recall the 50th anniversary of The First Zucchinis on the Moon. Come and carve your zucchini into a prize-winning sculpture (special award for space-based entries) or zucchini boat, race your zucchini boats down Baxter Creek, dunk your noggin in the “neutral buoyancy lab” zucchini bobbing tank, and test your aim with the giant zucchini “Moonshot” slingshot. Or if cooking is more your forte, sharpen your kitchen knives and bring down your favourite zucchini dish, sweet or savoury to enter in the cooking contest. There is also another special top secret no tech event planned for this year, with all of the excitement happening within earshot of this year’s amazing festival house band Led Zucchini (a.k.a. Cellar Door).
All events are free and a pile of zucchinis will be supplied for your carving, floating and slingshooting pleasure courtesy of our local market gardeners at Circle Organics and Chick-a-biddy Acres as well as other generous community zucchini growers. Remember that it all happens between 12:30 and 3 p.m. so be sure to get down early in order to have time to enjoy all the fun as well as carve and decorate your zucchinis before the boat races start at 2 p.m. sharp. Food will be available for purchase on site supplied by Reggies of Peterborough.
Petrified Zucchini Moon Rocks! (Breaking news)
|Buzz Aldrin, collecting petrified zucchinis.|
|Rare petrified zucchini moon rock, to be on display at the upcoming festival.|
One of our intrepid Zucchini Test Bake Oven volunteers took it upon herself to contact the Smithsonian museum and spoke to the curator of the vegetation department.
She negotiated a one month loan of a petrified zucchini that Apollo 11 astronaut, Michael Collins, secretly brought back from the 1969 lunar landing.
This little known item was graciously donated to the museum after his nephew found it packed away in a box in the garage in 1984.
Michael Collins piloted the command module Columbia alone in lunar orbit while astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were on the Moon's surface. Armstrong and Aldrin spent 21.5 hours on the lunar surface before rejoining Columbia in lunar orbit.
This well-preserved specimen was collected on July 21 1969, by Buzz Aldrin who gave it to Collins as a souvenir.
This rare and interesting piece will be available for viewing at the registration table.
First Zucchinis on the Moon! (Millbrook Times, August 2019)
In all the excitement of the 50th anniversary of the lunar landing, we often forget that humans were not the first life force to arrive on (never mind colonize!) the moon.
Prior to sending humans to the lunar surface, and even before poor Laika's famous but ill-fated journey to space, zucchinis had not only arrived, but indeed were thriving on the moon. While the super powers vied with one another over who would win the space race, one of the first international joint space endeavours ever, the Nicaraguan Astral Seed Association (NASA) and the South Polynesian Agricultural Cooperative Enterprise (SPACE), pooled resources to put the first zucchini on the moon.
In a recent interview, Luis Ernesto Garcia Hernandes de Cortés, director of the top secret Zucchini Interplanetary Project (ZIP), was quite humble about this remarkable feat. “As you can imagine, the Nicaraguan Astral Seed Association was very small. We hoped, of course, that the zucchinis would arrive on the moon, be we never expected them to do as well as they did.”
Mission Dietary Director, Huhulu Ka’uhane, was more practical. “We wanted to establish a food source for our astronauts, for when they eventually made the journey to the moon. After a long space flight, can you imagine how wonderful some grilled zucchini would taste?”
The joint enterprise succeeded beyond all expectations. The low gravity combined with the unique soil composition allowed the lunar zucchinis not only to thrive but to grow to enormous proportions! Unfortunately, the two corporations were bankrupted by the lunar project and were never able to raise the resources to harvest this zucchini bounty.
All of this, of course, only fuels the flames of speculation as the curious ask, “Where were the giant zucchinis when the Eagle lunar module landed? If this is all true then should the first man on the moon not have been met by waving verdant fields of astral-sized leaves and giant-sized zucchinis sprawled out on the lunar surface like so many beached whales, rather than a barren waste land of space rocks?”
The simple and most obvious answer is that, as has so often been surmised, the entire lunar landing was faked. Watch future issues of this paper to read about the elaborate ploy to cover up the first life force colonization of the moon. And do your part as amateur revisionist historians and come down to help celebrate...First Zucchinis on the Moon!
On September 8, 2019, we will be gathering by the sunny shores of Baxter Creek (next to Ye Olde Millbrooke Arena) to celebrate this auspicious event. The 20th Almost Annual Zucchini Festival will run from 12 to 4 and is a family-friendly afternoon hallmarked by free zucchini-related events.
Was the moon landing faked? You be the judge. Download the shocking exposé, Operation Avalanche:
Amidst the hubbub surrounding Canada's sesquicentennial, it would be easy to forget that 2017 also marks the 150th anniversary of the first Millbrook Zucchini Festival. This year's festival, which will take place on September 10, 2017 along the sunny shores of Baxter Creek, commemorates that momentous occasion, 150 years ago, when a group of visionary farmers met in Millbrook to discuss the dubious future of the much-maligned zucchini in our fledgling township.
It was determined at that historic meeting that the best way to preserve and promote our weird zucchini heritage would be to host an annual festival. The festival, they decided, would honour a heritage that dated back to early colonial times when giant zucchini canoes piled high with pelts plied the lakes and waterways of British North America in support of the European's insatiable need for furs. This tradition continued with the great zucchini drives of the 1800's when the Canadian zucchinis were used to build the sailing ships that gave Britain dominance over the world.
Little did our forefathers imagine that their festival would continue uninterrupted for the next 150 years, growing from hosting the more traditional zucchini events like the zucchini toss and zucchini wrestling to the current fun-filled day of zucchini carving, boat races in the creek, cooking contests, zucchini bobbing, and zucchini poetry and song.
Events planned for this year's sesquicentennial include, well, pretty much the same things as the festival has done in the past. However, a very special tribute is being planned to mark this special occasion. And if you're guessing a Giant Rubber Zucchini in the Millbrook pond, you might be on the right track.
|Every spring the previous fall's harvest of zucchinis would be floated via Canada's turbulent waterways from our great zucchini farms in the north to mills where they would be cut into filets and shipped around the world.|
Gordon Nomekuz has been farming in this area for over 40 years but this season has presented him with a unique challenge. And it isn’t the drought.
“Darnedest thing I ever saw,” Gord says, as we walk through 67 acres of beans, peppers, tomatoes and other vegetables. “I planted them the same as every year but they didn’t come up the same, I can tell you that much.” He points toward a healthy zucchini plant. As we approach the plant, it becomes obvious what the problem is.
“There,” Gord says, lifting a leaf.
A bright blue zucchini, but with eyes, ears and a sort of tail peeks out from under the plant.
“And there’s more of them. Every plant. All different colours,” Gord tells me, the frustration obvious in his voice. “Can’t sell ‘em. Nobody wants to cook these things when they look at you like that.”
We walk further down the row – yellow ones, red ones, a few green ones – these bizarre mutant zucchinis are puzzling, to say the least. The tomato crop, growing right beside them, is apparently unaffected by the mysterious syndrome, which has struck more than one zucchini patch in this area. Other farmers have reported a similar problem, with many of them resorting to drastic measures to control the outbreak. One farmer, who preferred to remain anonymous, has taken to spraying her zucchini patch with Lysol in an attempt to stop the spread. “I think it’s a virus,” she said. “This should kill it.”
But scientists are more cautiously optimistic about the situation. Agricultural researcher Dr. Inicchuz, of the University of Guelph, suggests that we learn to live with the oddities, rather than eradicate them. “Our preliminary studies seem to show that these zucchinis may actually be good for the environment,” he says. “Tests on several red ones and a couple of yellows has revealed higher serotonin levels on individuals who are exposed to these zucchinis, leading to an increase of both mirth and glee. Frankly, we were surprised.” And although scientists can’t guarantee that these results are permanent, they do appear to last for several hours at the very least.
But Gordon Nomekuz is unconvinced. “I don’t like it one bit. I’m telling you, it’s all these crazy kids and their interwebs and their cell phones – ruining everything for the rest of us. I just want my old zucchinis back.”
Breaking News! Fifth Zucchini Baby Left on Steps of Church
Clearly not heeding the advice of Doctor Susan Beanstock to seek a "culinary approach to the problem" (Millbrook Times, August 29, 2013), a fifth zucchini orphan has been discovered abandoned on the steps of the former United church in Millbrook.
|Photo received from perpetrator of zucchini abandonments|
The fact that each and every one of the accompanying hand-written notes pinned to the orphans is in the same handwriting leaves no doubt that these are the acts of a single, seriously deranged individual, and has nothing to do with distraught gardeners looking for a solution to a super abundance of zucchinis. Doubtlessly the perpetrator mistook the now private home of Anita and Ryan Huntley for a real church and were simply exploiting the time-honourd tradition of pastoral communites taking in orphaned vegetables and caring for them.
On a related note, this photograph, taken at an undisclosed location, displays this year's crop of zucchini orphans being donated to the Festival by the good people at Farmers' Dell in Campbellcroft. Will it be enough?
|This year's "volunteers" for the Zucchini Festival.|
Abandoned Zucchini Babies
|This poor little fella was left on the doorstep of the Pastry Peddlar in downtown Millbrook.|
When contacted for comment the festival organizers said, "We do not condone the wanton abandonment of orphaned zucchinis. But we would be happy to give the little fellas' spirits a lift and the thrill of a lifetime with our Giant Zucchini Bambini Jollyjumper Slingshot on Sunday, September 8!"
|And this little foundling was abandoned in front of the Bear Essentials store. Both have become Facebook celebrities since.|
Guerilla Zucchini Plantings
In the spring of this year guerilla plantings of zucchinis began mysteriously showing up in flower gardens around the village with a sign saying, "I am just a little zucchini plant. Please let me live!" While some were unceremoniously rooted out, others survived and thrived. Like the one in the photo below.
|Zucchini plant growing under one of the ""Welcome to Millbrook" signs.|
One of those rooted out was replaced by this sign:
Which inspired the unpublished cartoon below.